


I Love you, you know

by LittleBitOfAngst



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleBitOfAngst/pseuds/LittleBitOfAngst
Summary: It seemed to Dean that failing over and over was all he was good at.That is what lead Dean here, alone in his room, knowing that Sam would be gone for the next few days. He didn’t realise that things had gotten this bad, he doesn’t know how he ended up having this as his only option but now clutching onto Cas’s blade was the only thing that gave him comfort. He finally let himself think of Cas, the blue eyes and kind smile. His stupid trench coat. He missed him, he thinks back to the last time he saw Cas, the things Cas told and was hit with regret. Cas never got to hear Dean say I love you too. Looking back on it he doesn’t know why he couldn’t ever bring himself to say it before. Three words, they basically meant nothing. Dean couldn’t put what he felt for Cas into words, they are a pale comparison to what Dean knew was something far more profound. And now Cas was gone. It didn’t matter. The empty had him and no number of deals or gods would change that.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 12





	I Love you, you know

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't published anything for a long time and this is the first supernatural fic that I have been brave enough to post. 
> 
> So here goes. I will update this as often as I can, typically longer chapters. 
> 
> I will update the tags as the story goes along but as my name suggests it will be quite angsty and may have triggers for people so please know this before reading. 
> 
> Please be kind. :) 
> 
> All mistakes are my own, supernatural does not belong to me, I just like to play with the characters.

Dean Winchester is a man that thrives off his family, since birth the most important thing, the only thing that he has known how to do is protect those he loves. It may sound like something that no child should be able to do but Dean Winchester has never been a typical child. Even at four years old he knew that he needed to be strong, look out for his baby brother and make Mom happy. He would even try to make Dad happy when he came home late, tired and covered in grease, with a rendition of twinkle twinkle little star. It was what he was born to do. Dean realised after years of looking after Sammy and keeping the peace with Dad, he was the glue of the family. Working to keep them together. Even after Sam left and Dad died, it was still down to Dean to be the protector whether that be for his blood or found family. It was his duty.

Now years later he is sitting in his bedroom, in the bunker, alone. No family in sight. Mom gone, Jack somewhere off playing God. Cas d-. Hell, he would even sell his soul to see Crowley again. Everyone else has moved on. It makes sense its been six months since they defeated Chuck and Billie. Six months since they saved the world. Six months since Ca-. Dean can’t finish that thought.

He sits in his bedroom alone.

Sam left a few days ago to help some young hunters out with a Vamp nest. He has taken to becoming a sort of role model to a whole host of young hunters. They joked a while back that he would be like Professor X, down in the bunker training up the next generation. Dean huffed out a laugh when he realised that Sam has taken over Bobby’s old role, even manning several phones pretending to be FBI, CIA and all sorts of other fake high-ranking officials.

Other than Sam he hasn’t seen much of his family, Dean thought back to the last time everyone met up, Jody, Alex Claire and Kaia, Garth, Bess and the kids, Donna, Charlie, Bobby, Eileen, Donatello and whoever was left from the other world hunters all came to the bunker to celebrate Chuck being dead. They all paid tribute to those they had lost over the last few years. They drank, ate, and made merry. Raising a glass. To freedom. To creating their own stories and most importantly to the sacrifices that let them be here.

After that weekend everyone went back to their lives. Jody and Donna took off on a hunt with the girls. Garth went back with his family to pursue his dream of being the best werewolf dentist in America, Charlie, Bobby and the rest of the alternate universe hunters left to clean up the mess that was left in the wake of God’s destruction. Donatello left promising to call if he ever felt a disturbance in heaven and Eileen returned to her house to carry on working out where she fit in the universe. Although after saying goodbye Sam didn’t seem all that upset and the hint of lipstick, he was wearing suggested that maybe Eileen was not as lost as she once was.

He was happy for Sam, he deserved someone to make him happy, he deserved a life away from the crap of the job. He hoped that maybe this new role that Sam was finding himself in would be the first step to Sam getting out of the life, popping out some kids and getting old and fat with Eileen. Nothing would make Dean happier than to see Sam happy.

Now though, six months in, with the bunker empty again Dean sat in his room. Alone. He could wallow like he wanted and not be judged for it. Without anyone around Dean realised that he had nothing to do. No one to protect or fight for. Hunts were easy, routine. Jack must have tried to restore some balance, put the world back on track, no more big bads just good old-fashioned hunting, but after everything Dean has faced in the last fifteen years good old fashion hunting just doesn’t cut it. Its mundane. It soon lost its allure. He’s not been on a hunt in eight weeks and he doesn’t care. All he wants to do is stay in his room, drink beer and watch crappy TV. So that is what he does. 

Dean tolerates his life. If he looks at himself from the outside he is doing okay. Nothing is threatening him or the people he loves, he has a home, food in his belly, a brother by his side and friends a phone call away. On the other hand, if Dean were to stop and look at his life from the inside it is a very different story. Dean was alone, or at least Dean felt so very alone. He had no purpose anymore; his job was to protect people and he had failed so many times that he had no one left. Mom, Dad, Adam, Kevin, Benny, Cas. He let them all down, killed them all. The list of people grew longer every day. Every day he would think of another person that he failed to protect. Someone that he had killed. He didn’t hunt, he only spoke to Sam when he went to cook meals for them, its not that he didn’t want to talk to Sam but what would he say? He didn’t know anything about the younger Winchesters life, in six months Sam had become a relative stranger. Apart from the snippets that Sam had told him about the job Dean couldn’t say what Sam was up to. Dean didn’t know much about anything that took place outside of the bunker. The world could have ended again and he wouldn’t have a clue.

All Dean was sure of was that he was a spare part. Life continued around him; he wasn’t needed. He didn’t have a function in this world. Now that Jack had taken God and Amara out it was calm. He though about getting a job, even got as far as signing a contract but when it came to the first day he was a no show, he didn’t leave his room that week, he didn’t want to face another thing he had failed at. It seemed to Dean that failing over and over was all he was good at.

That is what lead Dean here, alone in his room, knowing that Sam would be gone for the next few days. He didn’t realise that things had gotten this bad, he doesn’t know how he ended up having this as his only option but now clutching onto Cas’s blade was the only thing that gave him comfort. He finally let himself think of Cas, the blue eyes and kind smile. His stupid trench coat. He missed him, he thinks back to the last time he saw Cas, the things Cas told and was hit with regret. Cas never got to hear Dean say I love you too. Looking back on it he doesn’t know why he couldn’t ever bring himself to say it before. Three words, they basically meant nothing. Dean couldn’t put what he felt for Cas into words, they are a pale comparison to what Dean knew was something far more profound. And now Cas was gone. It didn’t matter. The empty had him and no number of deals or gods would change that.

Dean felt the metal of the blade, it was cool on his skin, comforting even. He sighed. Everything was ready, the letter left on the war room table for Sam, kitchen tidy, food stocked, bed made, clothes put away and trash thrown out. He looked at the pictures on his desk and smiled, hopefully he would see his family again. If only for a little while before hell took him back.

It was strange, Dean didn’t actually feel the first cut it felt more like a sigh of relief. The second was harder but soon there were two vertical lines marring his forearms. Dean let the blade slip from his hand and laid down on the bed. He closed his eyes and let himself slip into darkness. 

oOo

Castiel, the damaged, disobedient angel of Thursdays sat quietly contemplating. He looked around the new heaven that he helped Jack create. It was truly wonderful, as it should be one open ever expanding space. It always felt strange to him that heaven was compartmentalised as it had been, families should be able to meet in the afterlife and live their best years together, reunited. Jack had done wonderful work, the promise that he made himself and Kelly those few years ago really coming to light. He had brought around paradise.

He not sure how he got to heaven, the last thing he remembered was quiet blackness and a sense of calm, knowing Dean Winchester had been saved. He was content with his end, happy finally. He won’t begrudge Jack for getting him back, of course his son would do that for him but not being able to leave heaven felt like torture to him. He needed to get back to earth if only to say goodbye properly, on his terms.

“Cas” a small voice sounded from behind him.

“Jack.” Cas smiled at the sound of him.

“I could feel your distress.” Jack came into view looking sheepish.

“Jack, I’m sorry. I’m not distressed, just… longing.” Cas sighed.

“Longing? For what?” Jack asked curious now.

Cas didn’t answer for a minute, he wasn’t sure what it was he wanted. Finally, he settled on a word.

“Closure.”

“Dean and Sam.” It wasn’t said as a question, just fact.

“Jack, they’re my family, our family, when I had no one, when the angels turned against me and wanted me dead, they were all I had. I don’t feel right leaving this way. Not saying a proper goodbye. There were things I said that I need to make peace with.” Cas explained.

“Castiel.” The angel perked up at the use of his full name. “I want you to be happy, you are my father in so many ways. Tell me what you need me to do.” Jack took Cas’s hand in his smiling.

“I want to go home Jack, to earth.” A smile crept onto Cas’s face.

“Okay.”

Cas looked at Jack, could it be that easy to get what he wants.

“You should know, its been six months in their time, things have changed since you’ve been gone.” Jack explained.

“I understand but I need to do this, I need to at least thank them for being my family.”

Cas didn’t get a chance to say anything else, one minute he was in heaven the next he was in Lebanon, Kansas. He looked out to the sky. “Thank you.” He whispered.

Cas looked around seeing the quiet town alive, the postman carrying his bundle of mail, the local drunk, who was surprisingly not called Dean Winchester was stumbling down an alleyway. Cars drove past creating a breeze in the air that Cas couldn’t help but inhale. Earth was a marvellous creation, despite all its flaws Cas loved it with all his heart.

The bunker was about an hour walk from town, he would have to walk through the forest to get there but it was better than trying to steal a car, he was never very good at it despite Deans tutelage. He set off down the familiar roads willing himself to be at the bunker, begrudging his broken wings.

The walk was refreshing, it allowed Cas to reconnect to the earth, to understand the flow of time again, to breathe the air and understand the flow of the planet. Cas tried not to think about what would happen when he arrived at the bunker. He knew that Dean and Sam would be happy to see him, they always were but what he said to Dean before he left was something different. He said those things knowing that he was not coming back, there were no repercussions to his words when he said them but now, he would have to hear Deans response to them. There was no getting around it. He knew it would be awkward but he was sure that Dean would turn his confession into some kind of twisted tale of family and brotherhood and everything would be swept under the rug. They would move on and pretend that Cas never spoke a word. He could live with that, he was just glad to have the hunter back in his charge.

oOo

Cas felt something was wrong the second he came though the bunker door. The place was dark and empty and although the bunker was not normally a bustling place the lights were usually on as a sign that someone had been moving around the bunker whether that be Sam researching in the library or Dean cooking or hiding out in the Dean cave with a six pack and a classic movie but now there is nothing. He wondered if the boys were out on a hunt, that would explain it but something was not sitting right with Cas, a gut feeling told him something was wrong.

Cas came down the stairs and into the bunker walking into the war room. He stopped when he saw a neatly folded piece of paper sitting propped up in the centre of the table. There was no name on the note and with curiosity getting the better of him Cas took it and read.

_Sammy,_

_The only thing I can say is sorry._

_I know that you will be pissed at me for this but please promise me you won’t try and bring me back to bitch at me._

_This has been a long time coming, I don’t know why it took me so long, I guess I was just waiting for the right time or trying to grow balls enough to do it._

_I’m a peace with leaving, the world is a good place with Jack at the reigns and you on the ground. There is no place for me here anymore, my job is done. Please let me go._

_The only thing I ask is that you will make things with Eileen work, kids, white picket fence. The apple pie life you always dreamed of. You can have that. She is a good woman so don’t let her go._

_Hunter’s funeral, no graves in Illinois this time._

_I love you little brother._

_Dean._

Cas dropped the note and sprinted to Dean’s room. He slammed the door open to see Dean on the bed. Cas crashed in reaching for Dean’s neck desperately trying to find a pulse.

It was there, weak and thready but there.

“Dean.” Cas cried. He didn’t know when his tears began to fall.

He took hold of Deans limp body and shook him urging him to regain consciousness.

“Dean, please wake up.” Cas felt a spark in his limited grace, not enough to heal Dean but his eyes fluttered open.

“Huh, made it to heaven.” Dean slurred with a smile.

“Not heaven Dean, not now. Its not your time.” Cas felt relief wash over him.

As soon as Deans eyes opened, they shut again. Cas cupped Deans chin lifting his head off his chest.

“No, no Dean. Stay awake, just for a little longer.”

“Tired Cas. Sleep now, okay?” Dean mumbled into the angel’s hand.

“Dean. Dean?” Cas got no reply this time. He could still see the hunter breathing so he sprang into action.

He pulled his trench coat off and began to tear the fabric into strips. He wrapped them around Dean’s wrists to try and stop the bleeding watching as beige became crimson. He pulled out his phone and called 911. He gave them the co-ordinates for outside the bunker, all he had to do now was get Dean out.

With effort Cas pulled Dean up into his arms cradling him to his chest. He slowly made his way down the corridors and through the bunker. He manoeuvred his way up the stairs and out of the bunker door. All he could do now was wait.


End file.
